Chapter 12: Patience at the time of bereavement
The loss of a loved one is a time when a person may be overwhelmed with grief, and
many customs surrounding bereavement reflect the depth of the feeling of loss. Wailing,
eulogizing (i.e. praising the deceased excessively) and tearing one’s garments are all
customs which were well known at the time of Jâhiliyyah, and are still common among
some Muslims. Such conduct is not permitted in Islâm, as the believer is required to face
bereavement, like all the other trials of life, with patience.
It is permitted to cry or weep, softy, before death, at the time of death, and after the
person has died. According to ash-Shâfi‘î, however, it is makrûh to cry after the person
has died, but permissible before the soul has departed.
The correct opinion is that crying is permitted both before and after death. The evidence
for this is the hadîth narrated by Jâbir ibn ‘Abdullâh (RA) in which he said: “My father
died at the battle of Uhud, and I began to weep. The people told me to stop, but the
Messenger (SAAS) never asked me to stop. Then my aunt Fâtimah began to weep too,
and the Prophet (SAAS) said: ‘It does not matter whether you cry or not, the angels kept
shading him until they ascended with his soul’ ” (agreed upon).
Ibn ‘Abbâs (RA) reported that when Ruqayyah (RA), the daughter of the Prophet
(SAAS), died, the women started to cry, and ‘Umar (RA) began to whip them to make
them stop. The Prophet (SAAS) told him: “O ‘Umar, leave them alone and let them cry.”
To the women he said: “Go ahead and cry, but avoid the crying of the
shaytân…Whatever comes from the eye and heart is from Allâh and is a sign of mercy,
and whatever comes from your hand and your tongue is from the shaytân.” (Ahmad)
A number of sound ahâdîth describe the Prophet (SAAS) weeping on a number of
occasions when someone he loved had died. When the Prophet (SAAS) visited the tomb
of his mother he wept, and caused others to weep. When he was burying the martyr
‘Uthmân ibn Madh’un (RA) after Uhud, he kissed him and his tears fell on ‘Uthmân’s
face. When he gave the news of the death of Ja’far (RA) and his companions in the battle
against the Romans at Mu’tah, he spoke with tears streaming down his face.
Another sound report describes how Abû Bakr (RA) wept when he kissed the Prophet
(SAAS) after he had died. The ahâdîth that forbid crying should be interpreted as
referring to the kind of crying that is accompanied by eulogizing and wailing.
Eulogizing and wailing
Eulogizing the dead and wailing in grief are harâm, according to Ahmad, ash-Shâfi‘î and
others. In a hadîth narrated from ‘Abdullâh ibn Mas‘ûd (RA), that the Prophet (SAAS)
said: “He is not one of us who strikes himself on the cheeks, rends his garment and
behaves like the people of Jâhiliyyah” (al-Bukhârî and Muslim).
Abû Mâlik al-Ash‘arî (RA) said: “The Prophet (SAAS) said: ‘There are four habits
which my Ummah has, which are from the Jahiliyyah. My Ummah will never rid itself of
them. They are: seeking pride in noble descent; slandering one another by casting doubts
one one’s lineage; seeking rain through astrology; and wailing.’ ” In another hadîth, the
Prophet (SAAS) said that if a woman practices the custom of wailing, and does not repent
before she dies, on the Day of Resurrection she will be raised with clothes of tar and a
shield of scabs. (Muslim)
Abû Mûsâ (RA) said: “The Prophet (SAAS) said: ‘The deceased person suffers because
of the wailing of the living. When the wailing woman says, “What a great loss! I have lost
my right arm, the one who clothed me”, the deceased will be pulled up sharply and
asked: “Are you her right hand? Are you her support? Are you the one who clothed
her?” ’ ” (Ahmad).
There is no doubt that wailing and eulogizing are harâm. How could it be otherwise,
when they indicate discontent with one’s Lord and contradict patience? Behaving this
way harms oneself too, when one slaps one’s face, pulls out one’s hair, prays to Allâh to
take one’s soul, wastes possessions by tearing one’s clothes, complains of injustice from
Allâh and praises the deceased with qualities that he did not possess. Any of these would
be sufficient grounds for the total prohibition of wailing and eulogizing.
Saying a few words
It is permissible to say a few words when crying over a deceased person, so long as these
words are true, and are not accompanied by wailing or expression of discontent with the
decree of Allâh. Such brief words do not contradict patience, and are not harâm. Anas
(RA) reported that Abû Bakr (RA) entered upon the Prophet (SAAS) after he had passed
away, put his hands on his temples, kissed him between the eyes and said: “O my
Prophet, O my dearest friend, O my beloved.” (Ahmad)
Anas (RA) reported that when the Prophet (SAAS) became very ill, he started to lose
conciousness. Fâtimah (RA) said, “How great is the distress of my father!” He said,
“There will be no more distress for your father after today.” When the Prophet (SAAS)
passed away, she said, “O my father who answered the call of his Lord, O my father
whose destination is Paradise, O my father, to Jibrîl will tell the news of your death.”
After the Prophet (SAAS) had been buried, she said, “O Anas, how could you bear to
bury the Prophet and cover him with dust?” (al-Bukhârî)
When his son Ibrâhîm died, the Prophet (SAAS) said, “We are very sad for your death, O
Ibrâhîm.” This does not indicate discontent with the decree of Allâh or complaining
against Allâh. Such statements are no more than crying or weeping.
The deceased person suffers because of people’s wailing over him
A sahîh hadîth narrated from ‘Umar ibn al-Khattâb (RA) and his son, and al-Mughîrah
ibn Shu‘bah indicates that a deceased person suffers because of people’s wailing over
him. There should be no problem in understanding this hadîth, and it should not be seen
as contradicting the Qur’ân or the basic principles of Sharî‘ah. It does not mean that a
man can be punished because of another’s deeds. The Prophet (SAAS) did not say that
the deceased person will be punished because of his family’s crying over him. What he
said was that the deceased suffers because of that, meaning that it hurts him. Similarly, a
dead person in the grave might suffer when a person in a neighbouring grave is being
punished, just as in the life it hurts him to see his neighbour being punished. So when the
family of a deceased person cries, wails and eulogizes him, like the people of Jâhiliyyah
used to do, the deceased person will be hurt in his grave because of it. This is the
suffering that is referred to in the hadîth
Chapter 13: Patience is half of Îmân
Îmân is in two halves: half is patience (sabr) and half is gratitude (shukr). Therefore
Allâh has mentioned patience and gratitude alongside one another: “Verily in this are
signs for all who constantly persevere and give thanks” (Ibrâhîm 14:5; Luqmân 31:31;
Sabâ’ 34:19; ash-Shurâ 42:33).
The reasons why one half of îmân is patience and the other half is gratitude are as
follows:
1. Îmân is a term which covers words, deeds and intentions, all of which are based on
one of two things, action or abstinence. Action refers to performing a deed in accordance
with the instructions of Allâh, which is the reality of gratitude. Abstinence, as in
refraining from wrong action, requires patience. The whole of religion is embodied in
these two things: carrying out that which Allâh has commanded, and refraining from that
which Allâh has prohibited.
2. Îmân is based on two pillars, yaqîn (conviction) and patience, which are referred to in
the following ayah: “And We appointed, from among them, leaders, giving guidance
under Our command, so long as they persevered with patience and continued to
have faith in Our Signs” (as-Sajdah 32:34). It is through faith that we know the reality
of Allâh’s commands and prohibitions, or reward and punishment, and it is through
patience that we carry out His instructions and abstain from that which He has prohibited.
A person can never come to believe in Allâh’s commands and prohibitions, and in reward
and punishment, and it is through patience that we carry out His instructions and abstain
from that which He has prohibited, and in reward and punishment, except through faith,
and that is truly from Allâh. And we can never carry out Allâh’s instructions and abstain
from that which He has prohibited except through patience. Therefore patience is half of
îmân, and the other half is gratitude.
3. Man has two powers, the power of doing and the power of abstaining, which control
all his behaviour. So a person will do what he likes and abstain from what he dislikes.
The whole of religion is doing or abstaining, carrying out the instructions of Allâh or
abstaining from that which He has prohibited, neither of which can be accomplished
without patience.
4. The whole of religion is hope and fear, and the true believer is the one who is both
hopeful and fearful. Allâh said: “…They used to call on Us with love and reverence,
and humble themselves before Us” (al-Anbiyâ’ 21:90). The Prophet (SAAS) used to
pray: “O Allâh, I have surrendered my soul to You, and turned my face to You. My (own)
affair I commit to Allâh and I seek Your protection, in hope of You and in fear of You”
(al-Bukhârî). So the believer is the one who is both hopeful and fearful, but hope and fear
can only be based on the foundation of patience: fear should make the believer patient,
and his hope should lead to gratitude.
5. Any action done by man is either beneficial or harmful to him in this world and the
next, or else it is beneficial to him in the world and harmful to him in the other. The best
course for man is to do that which is beneficial to him in the Hereafter, and abstain from
that which is harmful to him in the Hereafter. This is the reality of îmân: to do what is
good for him, and that is gratitude; and to abstain from that which harms him, and that is
patience.
6. Man is always is a situation where he has to carry out an instruction of Allâh, or avoid
something which Allâh has prohibited, or accept something that Allâh has decreed. In all
cases, he has to face the situation with patience and gratitude. Carrying out Allâh’s
instructions is gratitude, and abstaining from prohibited things and being content with the
decree of Allâh constitutes patience.
7. Man is constantly being pulled in two opposing directions: should he respond to the
lure of this world of desires and pleasures, or should he answer the call of Allâh and the
hereafter, with the eternal Paradise that Allâh has prepared for His friend (walî)? Going
against the call of whims and desires is patience, and responding to the call of Allâh and
the Hereafter is gratitude.
8. Religion is based on two principles: determination and perseverance (patience), which
are referred to in the du‘â of the Prophet (SAAS): “O Allâh, I ask You for perseverance
in all my affairs, and I ask You for the determination to stay on the straight and narrow
path.”9. Religion is based on truth (haqq) and patience, which is referred to in the âyah:
“…and they (join together) in the mutual teaching of truth, and of patience and
constancy” (al-‘Asr 103:3). Man is required to work according to the truth, both by
himself and others, which is the reality of gratitude, but he cannot do that without
patience, therefore patience is half of îmân. And Allâh knows best